Advice for Computer Users from Computer Experts

1. When a tech says he's coming right over, log out and go for coffee. It's no problem for us to remember 2700 network passwords.

2. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

3. When tech support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're probably just testing out the public groups.

4. When a tech is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts out and expect him to respond immediately. We exist only to serve and are always ready to think about fixing computers.

5. When a tech is at the water cooler or outside having a smoke, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we drink water or smoke at all is to ferret out all those users who don't have e-mail or a telephone line.

6. Send urgent eMail ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

7. When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record your message, and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an eMail straight to the director because no one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common courtesy.

8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it, right?

9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can even fix telephone problems from here.

10. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech's chair with no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. We love a good mystery.

11. When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a setting; read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to DO anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk.

12. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother. We'll be there to hold your hand after it is done.

13. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently just disappear into the cosmos for no reason.

14. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.

15. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.